Love or Fear

"When you lead with your heart, you are enormously powerful."

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Ultimately, what we all truly want in life is to be happy. Sounds simple, right? Yet, how do we achieve happiness? I suggest that the power to access your greatest potential lies in the choice to lead with love.
 
Some people will say that leading with love is not “realistic;” yet, what’s the alternative?  When is the last time you arose and declared, “today, I’m going to be let fear have its way with me and be unhappy”?
 
In the time it takes for you to read this post, I invite you to ask yourself to this question: “If I choose love instead of fear, will I feel more happiness, peace, and joy?” According to the 14th Dali Lama, "When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy." There is tremendous power, therefore, in realizing that your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. This realization is another important step in your personal growth.
 
Stepping forward in the decision to lead with love means that you choose to accept yourself and others, that you feel compassion toward yourself and others, and that you view the life in front of you as full of possibility.  When you consciously choose love, then you don’t need to put energy into finding strength or courage. You will cultivate these innate capabilities and attract others who nurture, support and encourage you.
 
Regardless of outer circumstances, every single human being has beauty inside them. The purpose of  this being human is to bring that beauty forth—to ignite the eternal spark that is unique to YOU.
 
Fear is the opposite energy of love. Fear is a powerful and primitive human emotion. It alerts us to the perception of danger and was critical in keeping our ancestors alive. Fear has been identified as a “shadow” part of the human personality and is related to victim energy. When we choose to feel like a victim, we choose judgment over grace, anger over kindness, and resentment over acceptance. My friend and brilliant spiritual teacher, Christiana Herbert, instructs that everyone who has “wronged” us is either completely unaware or wounded. If you embraced this fact, how would that foster your ability to forgive?
 
How we view ourselves is the lens with which we view the world, which is why all personal, spiritual growth requires an inward focus. Become consciously aware of your ability to see the world through the lens of love and watch what happens to your overall happiness.
 
If we could change our basic stance in life, from fear to love, what would this look like on a practical level? Instead of trying to overcome our fears (which magnifies them, as what we focus upon expands), what if we could open ourselves to our present experience.  Could you turn toward another with the intention of understanding? Could you release judgment toward others?
 
When we gain understanding of another person’s thoughts and beliefs, without a desire to change nor control them, then conflict dissipates.  You may choose not to spend time with that person going forward, but the reason is not fear. Your making a conscious choice to love yourself and release any desire to control someone else is a sign of personal responsibility, which empowers your own personal, and spiritual, growth.
 

Your Light is Necessary in This World

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This week, I honor the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a spiritual teacher, an ascended master, a leader who stood for hope, love, justice, peace, and light. His famous quote, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that,” has broad application. Politically, socially, and personally, light is the only thing that can drive out darkness.
 
Yet, you may ask, “what is the nature of my light? And, what part of me is darkness?”
 
Our light is our truest nature, the part of us that embodies love, strength, compassion, kindness—the part of us that urges us to step into our full power, stand up for ourselves, express our feelings, and, ultimately, relate to others positively. Our darkness, some call it our “shadow” side, is that part of us that feels joyless, stuck, shame, guilt, which often results in berating ourselves with negative self-talk and doubt. Your darkness buys into the story that you are limited, that you are a victim, and that what you truly want to experience in life just isn’t available to you.
 
Life is always a perfect mirror for the attitudes we embrace. So, how do we cultivate an attitude that brings forward our light and understands the lessons of our darkness?

Follow those nudges and pursue the things you’ve always wanted to do.

The degree of empowerment you have will be reflected in your experiences with others. Instead of blaming others for holding you back, keeping you from being able to pursue what makes you happy, I implore you to listen to yourself and take action on those nudges you have to become a newer, better, higher version of yourself. Every situation we encounter shows us to what degree we are empowered to pursue what our heart is telling us we want. Feeling stuck in a job? Feeling stuck in a relationship? How does that feeling reflect your inner attitude? When you have yearnings but do not act upon them, what message are you sending to your innermost self?

Expand out of your comfort zone.

Following those nudges will likely be uncomfortable. In process-oriented psychology, “the edge” is the term used to describe the territory in between the known and the unknown, the past and the future, and our current concept of ourselves and what we subconsciously want to become. We often stall at the point of action because the unknown is on the other side of that action. Yet, you can always choose to draw upon your inner awareness to guide you toward your highest vision of yourself. As you shift your thinking about what’s possible, you are tapping into your greater strength, your willpower, and your spirit of determination. The situations you need to move through will present themselves and, if you’ve cultivated self-awareness, you’ll be prepared to take the next, right step. And then the next, right step.

Get the support of others to achieve what’s possible for you.

We humans are wired for connection. That’s why we organize ourselves in families and communities and societies and nations.  But, don’t wait passively by to be chosen by others; identify, formalize, and rally your team!  Ask for the vital support you need to encourage you beyond your current edges. Follow the light within you by asking yourself, “whose presence inspires me?” Then, choose that person and others and ask them very directly for their support. Tell them, “I’m asking you to help me in these specific ways because I am pushing my edges in these specific ways.” You must create your support team--your trust advisors, who love you unconditionally--and you must tell them what you need from them. Accountability toward your expansion? Ask for it. Comfort when your darkness begins to fuel self-doubt? Request help.
 
This shift in energy, in your focus on your own light,  has the power to ignite in you those aspects of yourself previously unexplored.  What are you waiting for? There’s never been a better time, and the world needs your light.
 
You need your light, too.

Mindless to Mindful

When you are going through a crappy time in your life--like the end of a relationship, maybe even divorce--it's tempting to look outward for all of your solutions. You look to blame your partner, (...if he would have just been more...if she would have seen me as...) whose emotions are enmeshed with your own. You may think about your circumstance constantly. And, you may turn to teachers, therapists, counselors, coaches, and self-help books. While there are so many helpful books, Websites, Facebook groups, other social media sites & personalities, just mindlessly perusing such resources in hopes of a silver bullet isn't a good way to feel better, long term. 
 
How can you move from being mindless or mindful? Just notice you own habits for the next 3 days. Observe and record. How much time do you spend eating just to eat, not because you’re hungry; drinking alcohol in hopes you’ll feel better; browsing on the internet; allowing your social networking feed to constantly interrupt you; watching mindless TV; reciting past conversations over and over in your head; practicing future conversations that may never happen?
 
I get it. Being mindlessly swept away may feel like a respite. You may feel the need to see what your ex is up to on social media. You may feel the need to read advice or buy a new self-help book. You may have found me because you were seeking relief. Those needs feel important, and you’re certainly not alone. A Time magazine article in 2014 reported that US adults invest in self-improvement products and services (including books, audiobooks and seminars) at a rate of $11 billion-a-year, which is about the same size as the Hollywood film industry.
 
What I know for sure, though, is that you'll never get to a better feeling place by only focusing outside of yourself. Never. That's a strong statement, and I know it's true, because no one else has the answers you seek.
 
No one else knows what it is that you need—what you need to learn from this experience, what you need to see for your future, what you need to do today to start. Only you can know you, because only you has such deep access to you.
 
What can you do, starting today, then, to access you? Treat the next week as an experiment and, after 3 days of observing and recording you mindless activities, choose to replace as many as you can with mindfulness. Find a balance that works for you. Keep asking yourself this questions: how can I create fewer mindless moments and more mindful moments?
 
My two, favorite mindful practices? Journaling and meditating.
 
Journaling is a practice of telling the truth to yourself about yourself. It’s a mindful conversation. Sometimes, I recap the day at the end of the day. Other times, I'd jot down what as I was thinking or feeling throughout the day. Other days, I simply write to be surprised. No matter how I approach my journal for that day, writing allows me to start a dialogue within myself about what was going on within me. It helps bring clarity where there was none. In this way, it serves as a core mindfulness practice, offering to me insights about recurring patterns of thought or experience.
 
Journaling is easy and it’s cheap. A simple notebook is all you need, or you can use one of many free Online tools, like Evernote or Day One. I’ve used both of these, but I keep coming back to my plain-paper notebook. So, find what works for you.
 
Meditation isn’t new, but nearly everyone’s talking about it. The earliest written records of meditation (Dhyana, which is Sanskrit and means profound meditation that is the penultimate stage of yoga), come from the Hindu traditions of Vedantism around 1500 BCE. There isn’t one “right” way to meditate, but the general goal is to turn your focus inward and actively notice your breath, as you sit quietly for awhile. Start with 5 or 10 minutes a day. Set a simple timer or use an app, such as one of these:

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10% Happier
 
Skeptical of meditation? This app features Dan Harris, the ABC news anchor who wrote a book about his grudging embrace of meditation.
 
Headspace
 
Andy Puddicombe, an English guy who has been both a monk and a circus performer, is the voice on this meditation app.
 
Insight Timer
 
A handy tool to time your meditations and share your practice with friends.

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If you're new to mindfulness or if you hear that critical voice inside doubting the power of mindfulness, check out these 6 Myths About Mindfulness in this comprehensive article about the impact of mindfulness practices on sleep. 

Start to be more mindful today. Unplug from the outer world. Disconnect so that you can connect inwardly. Protect your energy so it will serve you, especially if you are experiencing difficulty in your life right now.
 
You are powerful, but if you're leaking drastic amounts of energy by focusing outwardly, your power is compromised.

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Your Relationship with Yourself

"Your relationship with YOURSELF determines your relationship with

EVERYONE in your life."

Take some time to identify each of your closest relationships and how they feel to you, relationships like your spouse or partner or siblings or children or step-children or parents or friends.
 
Begin by making a list—write down the names of the people whose relationship you care about and deeply value—and after you've gathering those names, read this profound passage from The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown:

"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.
 
When these needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We grow numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbness, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.”

So, in order to live a life where your irreducible needs are met, I invite you to find out how you can take steps to improve the relationships that you value.
 
You have your list now, yes? It’s probably a long list, so focus on just 2 for now—the 2 relationships that you most want to improve. Rate these 2 relationships. Use a scale of 1-10, with 10 meaning, “this relationship feels really, really good to me.” Be honest with yourself. Write down the number by the person’s name.
 
Let’s say one of these relationships is a “5” right now on your scale. What would have to happen to shift this relationship up the scale by just 2 or 3 points, for starters? Take these steps to begin to shift each relationship that it important to you.

1. Decide how you desire the relationship to feel.

Take time to truly answer this for yourself: how do you want it to feel? What’s your ideal? Do you want the relationship to feel easy and fun and supportive and mutual? Claim it. Imagine what it would feel like if this relationship were functioning optimally. (And, just observe your inner critic piping in to say, “oh, that’ll never happen,” and ask that voice to go silent. Blocking what’s possible before you’ve even tried is a sure way to stay exactly where you are in this relationship.)

2. Ask yourself, “what can I shift in me to create what I desire?

Here’s the truth: you can only change yourself. You cannot make another human do anything. And, truth also is, you don’t want to make someone be in relationship with you if they are not as committed as you are to nurturing the relationship. So, determine what you can do differently. Examine the situations that you leave you feeling that your needs are not being met. Look closely at your own behaviors. Note your patterns of thought about that person and about your relationship.  Get really clear on your perspective about the dynamics that are creating the relationship stress. This step is NOT inviting you to blame another person. It’s inviting you look at the relationship from as many angles as possible to see it more fully, more clearly, and more completely.

3. Communicate how you feel from an “I” perspective.

You are not responsible for others’ happiness and they are not responsible for yours. But, not giving people a chance to show you who they are and how they value you is a way you limit the potential richness of the relationship.

So, you must communicate your feelings. If this feels fearful, it’s likely because you haven’t had experience with this important communication strategy.  In our unaware state, we tend to use language that points the finger at people. "You make me so angry," or, "You make me feel stupid," are examples of some of the things we say to others when we don't feel things are going our way. These are examples of “you” language. Instead of taking responsibility for our own emotions, we blame the other person for the way we feel.

When we use “you” language, it tends to fuel the anger rather than extinguishing it. Julia T. Wood, Professor of Interpersonal and Organizational Communication at UNC Chapel Hill, says, "Although how we interpret what others say may lead us to feel certain ways, we can't hold them responsible for our feelings."

Therefore, you must speak using the word, “I,” as in, “I feel like I have to nag about the chores when you don't complete them. I don't want to be a nag. I don't understand what I can do to help when it comes to asking you to do things." Or, "I don't like the feeling that I am comparing you to my father. Can we talk about why I feel that way?"

Do you notice the difference? Rather than blaming the other party and accusing them of something - which immediately puts them on the defensive - you are owning your feelings and taking responsibility for them. You are also expressing your needs to the other person in a healthy way. Many times we want to blame the other person so that we don’t have to own the power we have over our emotions. When we change our “you” language to “I” language, it gives us the authority to control our emotions.

Communicating in this way may be new for you, so be willing to practice. Be vulnerable. You may need to communicate, first, about this new communication style by letting your partner or spouse or children know that you are committed to communicating your feelings in a healthy way. This will give them an opportunity to show you who they are, helping you determine what this relationship brings to your life.

You are solely in charge of your happiness, and you have the power to create relationships that offer a deep sense of love and belonging. 

All Endings are Beautiful Beginnings

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

― Ellen Goodman

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We usher in a new year with much anticipation and excitement. The ending of this year welcomes the beginning of the next.  Many of us celebrate the new year by being with friends and family
 
How could we apply this anticipatory energy to all endings and beginnings?
 
What if all endings could be beautiful beginnings?
 
What if you could feel whatever loss you need to feel with what’s falling away and, simultaneously, see the possibility in what is beginning?

Get clear on what you do want.

One way to envision what’s possible is to write how you want your life to be. Use your journal, as it’s where you tell the truth about yourself, to yourself. Use a blank page and draw a line vertically down the center, making 2 columns. Label one column ENDING and the other BEGINNING. In the ENDING column, acknowledge what’s falling away, what is changing, what you are letting go of. In the BEGINNING column, write about the possibilities that are now available to you.

Get physically healthy.

If you do not have an exercise commitment, now is the time to start. Anytime we are experiencing important life changes, our subconscious mind resists and our bodies want to stay in old habits. According to WebMD, when you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. If the changes you are making feel energetically heavy, exercise is crucial to your success. It’s possible that this transformational time in your life will springboard you into a healthier version of yourself.

Build your support team.

An attorney can handle legal issues, if you’re experiencing the end of a marriage, for example. Other professionals, like a therapist or finance expert can help your understand your path forward, many times more affordable than an attorney. Friends and family may or may not understand what you are going through, but unbiased support is critical. Find those who will help you stay open to possibility, future focused, and resilient through the changes. Ask directly for their help and be clear about what you need from them. Your willingness to say, “I’m determined to make this ending a beautiful beginning,” and to have help in order to accomplish that is a sign that you will rise to new heights.

About Anella Wetter

Anella is a speaker, writer, and a coach--empowering women to grow from a cracked-open heart. Anella coaches women through relationship transitions--divorce, post-divorce dating, and attracting an ideal match. You can connect with her at www.anellawetter.com

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3 Keys to Create Change, NOW

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How do you make positive change in life—with your body, mind, spirit, career, relationships?
 
The first step is to start now, before the new year. Don't delay. Important change can't be put off. Then, follow these 3 keys to create the changes you most desire.

COMMIT

Doesn’t sound like a silver bullet? Spoiler alert: there is no better silver bullet. You must hold the vision of the change you desire ever-present, and the starting point is to write a pledge to yourself. This pledge can describe what you commit to bring forward, how you commit to show up each day, and what the intrinsic rewards you’ll gain through your determination.

PLAN

Making a plan of what to DO is incredibly important. Yet, if you simply create new things to do every day, you’ll likely not succeed. Why? Because your plate is already full. Likely, if you felt you had the time to devote to making positive changes, you would have already done so. Who doesn’t want to cultivate a healthy body, mind, and spirit? Who doesn’t want a fulfilling career, caring relationships, and a light & joyous spirit? So, the first thing to do is let go. Write down what you will release. Determine what is not serving you enough and let go of it—the activity, the habit, the chore, or the belief.  
 
Determine, then, what you’ll focus your time and energy upon daily. Consider what the person you envisioned earlier would choose each day in order to create positive change. Choose goals with targets 90 days from now. Be intentional in setting these goals—they represent the change you are creating.
 
Then, be specific by planning the next day each evening. For example, if your desire is to practice yoga regularly at a studio, then research local class options and schedule it. Most yoga studios and other fitness places have online scheduling, so you can schedule and pay. That’s a commitment you’ll keep. If your desires is to meditate daily, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier to give yourself that time.

PARTNER UP

Choose a partner who is also committed to positive change and create an accountability plan. Jointly decide how you will help each other.  Maybe you agree to send a photo of your daily journal—where you’ve tracked your practices for creating a healthy body, mind, and spirit. Share your 90-day plans so that you can encourage each other. Send each other inspirational texts to show your support. Being visible with your desired changes allows others to give you encouragement and help you succeed.